Anyone who knows me knows that making decisions comes about as easily for me as sharing my feelings. But, then you'd have to know me to know that I find that difficult too; so difficult, in fact, that my mother used to tell me I'd rather take a hot poker to my eye than share my feelings. I don't know how she came up with such a graphic analogy, but the answer is, yes, yes I would. I feel the same way about major decisions.
It's not that I'm incapable of making decisions, but for me they bring along a weighty burden that I dread. I get performance anxiety. I never want to make the "wrong" choice. Along with the burden I place on myself to "choose correctly," my mind does constant spirals, thinking through every option and every possible consequence for days on end, doing cerebral somersaults that are exhausting.
Currently, Andrew and I are wrestling over the decisions necessary as we continue to pursue adoption. This whole process has been so open-ended it has nearly caused my over-thinking-control-freak-performance-anxiety-ridden self to have a heart attack. Ultimately, I know that God will bring us the right child or children, but it's the in between time that drives me nuts. Our process is especially open-ended because we've been open to fostering in the right situation, but also looking for children available for adoption...each of which requires different approaches. And then there is the incredibly complex and confusing bureaucracy that is the foster system.
We're now finding out things about the process that really would have been helpful to know months ago as we try to move forward. And, of course, there is just my usual impatience. Once I do make a decision I want to be able to get closure on that decision...which is obviously not how this process works. And then there is the burden of responsibility that when you choose to adopt not only is your future held in the balance, but also the future of a little child who has already experienced enough pain and trauma for a lifetime that it can be paralyzing. One of the challenging things about this journey is that most people don't have this same experience and there is no way for people to really understand what this is like. And so, I begin to feel alone in my head that is full of exhaustingly complex thoughts.
I'm finding it difficult not to hit a wall of frustration. It's hard to focus on the things I need to get done today, when I am worrying and thinking about this process and thinking about the child or children God has for us waiting out there somewhere. But, I'm realizing that this process will consume me if I don't make an effort to release things to the Lord each day. I feel like that means committing to an even more exhausting wrestling match with my brain as I try to wrench free my worrisome thoughts and give them to the Lord, but ultimately I know that is the only avenue to peace.
Andrew and I are so excited about adopting and are, sometimes impatiently, waiting for God to open the right doors and fervently praying for wisdom as we try to make the best decisions as we wait. We're ready for the end to be in sight, but, in the mean time I guess God is working on some more sanctification in my life. Sometimes I think I'd rather take the hot poker to my eye.