Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Time is a Gigantic Freight Train

Time. How can something that passes objectively at the same, steady pace be experienced so subjectively? In some seasons time seems to elongate. It stretches and sags in the middle like salt water taffy on a pulling machine. And then in other seasons time seems to barrel toward you like an ominous and gigantic freight train.

I have to admit that as I get older I have more of the latter experiences than the first, but right now I am most definitely finding myself playing chicken with the freight train of time. And, it is sort of freaking me out.

Our family is awaiting some major life changes in the next few months, ones that require a great deal of physical, emotional, and mental preparation. They are exciting changes but, as with any major transitions, they require a lot of work...and if you are a worrying planner like myself, they also consume a great deal of soul-energy.

Homeschooling. Some days I just wonder what I am thinking! School starts sooner than I would like to admit and with everything else that has been going on this summer, I am just now getting the details nailed down. I'm buying curriculum and trying to figure out a good planning method and I can't seem to think clearly with the light of a freight train flooding my eyes! I know that God led us to this decision, for at least this season in our lives, but God's leadings tend to take us straight outside of our comfort zones.

Baby. AHHH! We're having a baby in two and a half months. It still seems sort of surreal, except that we have a crib and I have a little human kung fooing around in my uterus. But, two and a half months? We don't have a name picked out yet! That might not bother some people (ahem, Andrew!), but I like to feel like I have a little cushion of time before deadlines and there isn't one blasted name on our list of potentials that I feel at home with yet. And, it feels like such a very big deal to name a human!! We've got classes to take and stuff to buy and life as we know it to kiss only two and a half months.

Judah. My crazy nut of an only child. It's just two and a half months until our family isn't a family of three but of four! I'm not an overly emotional person but for some reason it's hitting me really hard (we'll blame it on the pregnancy hormones). It's just been the three of us for nearly three years now and it's hard to imagine life where Judah isn't Daddy's only buddy and Mama's only favorite boy. Intellectually you know that it all just works itself out, that somehow God arranges it so you think two (or three, or four, or five, if you are so inclined) little humans are the most amazing people on the face of the earth, but your heart has trouble believing it before it happens. The dreaded and mostly irrational Mom-guilt has started to set in as I know more of my time will be directed away from Judah and I frantically want to somehow slow down the rushing of time to cherish these last months with only him. The two-year anniversary of our forever day with him is coming up and the topic of adoption makes my Mom-guilt all the more acute as we prepare to toss another major life-transition onto a five-year-old who has already seen too many. I trust that this change will bless beyond all of our expectations, but I also know that it will add to the list of things he will have to wrestle through as he processes adoption as part of his story.

If I wasn't already exhausted from growing a little human inside of me 24 hours a day, all the soul-energy I've been expending on these things has left me totally worn out. I've found myself succumbing to a paralyzed fear as I stare down the tracks of time and see the inevitability of change. When I do try to figure out the details a sense of dread sweeps over me, mostly eclipsing the joy that is awaiting us on this journey. It's time to change that because, no matter what awaits us, God is good and He has filled our lives with blessings. (I wouldn't mind if time would ease up a bit though!!)