1.
Just
because we adopted doesn't mean our names are now Brad and Angelina! (Yes, I've actually had that
reference made to me). Adoption was a part of God's plan before celebrities
made it cool. These references belittle the challenging and beautiful journey
we're on.
2.
Sometimes the adoption journey can feel lonely. It's hard to understand what
adoptive parents have to navigate unless you are intimately involved in the
process. Hundreds of pieces need to fall into place. You put your future in the
hands of multiple people, from hospitals/orphanages, lawyers, state or country
systems and agencies, some whom you will never even meet. It is a very long and
emotional process that tests your faith on a minute-by-minute basis. We need
your encouragement...even if our metaphorical pregnancy stretches beyond the
usual nine-month attention span. If you're not sure how to support us, just
ask! Treat our adoption like the birth of a child: get crazy, be excited, throw
us a party. When we cry, cry with us, when we go nuts with excitement, go nuts
with us.
3.
Our adopted children are our "own." It's not uncommon for people to
refer to biological children (and not our adopted) as our "own"
children. What makes a child your own? Do you nurture and love them and
clean up their puke and hope you didn't make too many life-ruining mistakes in
a day? So do we! Our adopted children are every bit ours as our birth children.
Parents and kids alike can feel offended by this term. Since what you are most likely asking is, "Are these
your birth children?" perhaps think first if the moment is right for such
a personal question, and then if it is, ask the right question. Try to educate
yourself on positive adoption terms (ex. birth or biological parents, not
"real" parents).
4.
Our
adopted children are some of the strongest and most resilient people we know! Our children have challenges many
other children do not and sometimes are stereotyped as broken and needy. They have experienced trauma and loss and transition that takes a toll
on their hearts and minds and sometimes their bodies, but, in the face of all
of these things they survive...and many of them thrive. God blessed us with our child as much as they are blessed by us! Children who have experienced so many challenges
deserve our honor and love. It is not always an easy journey, but we have so
much to learn from our strong and beautiful children. They deserve, not pity,
but concern and love and awe!
5.
Family
has a whole new meaning for us. It feels safe and simple to think about family as a mom and dad and kids. It is
that, but it's also so much more. Welcoming a child into your family means you
welcome the people that come with them (both the physically present and absent
ones). Birth families, foster families, care givers, they all have had a part
in our child's life, they are important to our children and that makes them
important to us. This is complex and challenging (as all real-life relationships
are) but it is also special to acknowledge the many people and events which
shaped our children and family. It makes our family look a little more like the
family God has created for Himself.
6.
Adoption
is not a synonym for buying children. Please don't ask "How much did he/she cost?"
Having children is always a financial investment! Refrain from asking details
like this in public settings or in front of our children. We'd love to talk
about what it takes to adopt if you are interested, but please respect our
privacy.
7.
Not all adoptions are horror stories. Sometimes adoptions fail. There is
nothing easy about navigating the adoption process, but, we don't need to be
constantly reminded of worse case scenarios. There are just as many risks when
a family makes the decision to have biological children...some are different,
some are the same. We worry enough on our own, help be a voice of
encouragement!
8.
Birth
parents are not bad people.
They are brave, loving, broken, fearful, lost, but no one plans to live a life
that is unfit for raising their child. There are so many reasons why birth
parents make adoption plans for their children. Many birth parents make brave
and excruciating decisions to let someone else raise their precious child
because they believe it will be best for them. Some have less choice in the
matter, but the process is excruciating none-the-less. As adoptive parents we
are forever indebted to the beautiful gift our children's birth parents have
given us. We respect their decision to give our child life and and want to help
our children honor them, even while they process some of the difficult truths
about their birth parents.
9.
We
want to share our story with you. But, please, be sensitive. Please don't ask questions just to satisfy your curiosity.
When we announce that we have plans to adopt, understand our desire
or ability to have birth children is a very personal part of our family
journey. I was asked once, "Oh, are you just
swingin' and missin'?," which would just be calloused if we were. I
don't ask about your procreative activities...don't ask about mine. It also
implies that adoption is a second best choice, instead of an equally beautiful
option for growing your family. While I'm walking with my adopted son (who
clearly does not look like me), I don't appreciate being asked, "Is that YOUR son?" or "Is he
adopted?" Or, "Where is he from?" I want to reply, "Oh no,
I just saw him outside and thought he was cute so I picked him up!" But I
smile and nod. It feels invasive but mostly I hate it for my
son's sake. One day he'll hear that question and be old enough to feel the
unintended barb..."You don't belong together." I hurt for that day.
From wherever we came from, however God orchestrated it, we were meant to be
together as a family. We love that we have a unique story to tell and could
talk to you all day about why we chose to adopt, how the journey has
been, and how awesome our kids are! We just prefer to answer your questions
because you want to know about our family, not just because you are curious.
(And, please be sensitive about what you ask in front of our kids.)
10.
We're
different but we're not that different. Adoptive families experience unique challenges and joys,
but at the end of the day we are people doing our best to love and support each
other just like your family. We may have different skin tones and backgrounds
than our children, but we wake up to each other's faces each morning and are
committed to a future together. As all parents experience, our kids drive us
crazy and make us laugh and when we look at their sleeping faces we are so
thankful for the gift God has given us. So thankful.
If you're looking to be more informed on the topic, a great place to start is by reading THIS and then get this BOOK.
Hey, girl. I can't find any place on your blog to e/m you, so I'll leave a comment. Feel free to delete it. :) I'm an adoptive mom not to far from you (we're in Edwardsville, IL). I facilitate an adoptive mom support group of about 30 women. I'd love for you to join us! You can contact me at www.whitesugarbrownsugar.com or whitebrownsugar@hotmail.com
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