A Psalm of Mama

A song of the exhausted mother. Accompanied by the piercing cries of small children and dinner boiling over on the stove.

O, Lord, I feel weary and oppressed. 
My patience has withered beneath a sun that seems never to set;
    the relief of bedtime always just out of reach.
I am assaulted with questions until I feel I will go mad.
I have grown weary of my own name.
The "Mama" that once made me glad,
    has become a scourge upon my ears.
Little hands and crying faces press in on me from all sides;
    I am surrounded by needs that are never satiated.
Dishes and laundry conspire against me--
    multiplying at an impossible rate.
I am in a desperate way.
My only sanctuary is the bathroom,
    while a little person stands outside the door asking,
    "What are you doing in there?"
Even a full night's sleep cannot banish this exhaustion.
Will I ever again complete a day feeling sane?


I am done in, yet, I will not despair;
    the Lord is my true salvation,
    because Dora the Explorer only lasts twenty-four minutes.
Patience elludes me except by Your Spirit,
    and gentleness in the face of blatent disobedience is what I long for.
I will take joy in the moments when "Mama" is accompanied by "I love you,"
    and not, "I pooped in my pants."
I will meditate on Your words--
    the ones printed on the decorative plaque,
    across from the couch,
    where I find my glassy-eyed, quiet place while my child naps.
When my alarm clock wakes me from a dead sleep,
    and I am tempted to curse the sun's consistency,
    I will try to remember this is the day the Lord has made,
    and children are a blessing from the Lord,
    and then REJOICE,
    for soon these years will be gone and I will miss them--
    proof that motherhood really does kill brain cells.

Selah.

Keep Calm and Suffer On

If there's anything we hate, it's suffering.  If there's anything I hate, it's suffering.  Our natural desire is to avoid pain.  Most of the pursuit of the modern world is comfort.  We would have a hard time identifying our actual needs, because they are regularly met and then forgotten in the unending sea of wants.

In late 1939, after the outbreak of war, the British government appointed the design of several morale-boosting posters.  Two of the three posters designed were published, the third was reserved in case Britain was invaded by Germany.  Under the image of the crown it read "Keep Calm and Carry On."  Presumably, the message being, Stay calm, the king remains...the kingdom remains...so brace yourself and keep on keepin' on.  Since there was no invasion, the poster was not widely seen by the public until an original copy was rediscovered in 2000.  Now there are "Keep Calm and Carry On" mugs, t-shirts, and phone covers, along with myriads of parodies on the phrase.  (Ironically, the message is printed on luxury items, the demand for which says something about our culture's idea of trials...but that's a discussion for another day.)

Even in the mad pursuit to free our lives of suffering, something about the message to "Keep Calm and Carry On" apparently resonates with us.  As Americans we aren't facing a military invasion but in the face of the day's trials we still like a reminder that life goes on, because we can't avoid it, suffering finds us.  The world seeks to manage the pain, minimize its impact and carry on with the pursuit of comfort.  The problem is that a pursuit of comfort leaves us walking out of step with our Savior, whose path led Him straight into suffering and death.

This year God has been teaching me a lot about suffering, some through personal experience, and a lot through the example of men and women of faith throughout history.  One day, while pondering suffering the "Keep Calm" slogan came to mind and I decided I'd add my adaptation of the phrase to the mix: "Keep Calm and Suffer On."  My interpretation being what Peter wrote in 1 Peter 4:12-14--

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of  Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.

Often, pain hits me and I first feel shock.  This can't be happening to me!  No one else is enduring such trials!   Yet, Peter tells me that the appropriate response is a calm knowledge that suffering is normal for followers of Christ!  It isn't strange and certainly shouldn't be unexpected.  Paraphrasing of course, he first says "Keep calm, this is normal."  Then he says something totally counter-intuitive, (again, paraphrasing), "Suffer on!  Embrace your suffering, knowing it brings you to experience the glory of God."  In other words, the King remains...the Kingdom remains...suffer with purpose, so that you may know Christ more fully.

If we're all being honest, this probably makes you as uncomfortable as it does me.  However, if Christ suffered, why should we think ourselves exempt?  Why should we want to be exempt?  The way of the cross is our calling.  It's what we signed up for.  Do not be shocked.  Do not get bitter.  Do not try to minimize the impact of suffering.  Embrace it, knowing that through perseverance your character and faith will grow. 

I'm currently reading a book called He Leadeth Me, written by a Jesuit priest who felt God call him to serve in Russia in the 1930s.  While pursuing this mission, in the midst of World War II, he was captured, held in solitary confinement and relentlessly interrogated for five years, then spent the next 18 years in a labor camp in Siberia.  Most of his experience was wrestling with the will of God and learning how to bring God glory and serve others in the face of suffering.  He writes, "Pain and suffering...become a means of...fostering peace and conformity to God's will, for they are seen as the continuation of Christ's passion...as purposeful, redemptive, healing acts by which the world is reconciled to the will of the Father." It is a challenging read.  But as I broaden my understanding of the world-wide Christian experience, I am realizing that the perceived safety and comfort of our American culture can, more often than not, distract us from our call to the cross. 

What are we willing to sacrifice for the pursuit of Christ?  Are we continuing Christ's passion to reconcile the world to our Father, no matter the cost?  There is no time to waste...lives are at stake.

Fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, brace yourself, keep calm and suffer on.  It is for the glory of the One who paved the way for us and who shared in our suffering, even unto death.  The King remains and through Him we shall inherit the glories of heaven!  We were not made for this world, our comfort lies ahead of us.  May our suffering gain souls for eternity and press us to count "everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus [our] Lord. For his sake [we] have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that [we] may gain Christ" (Phil. 3:8).

Two Faithful Sams and a Bunch of Felons

It's easy to think the things we do every day make no difference. Rarely do we get to see more than the shallow footprints of where we have been.  It's other people, heroes of the faith, who see miraculous things, not normal folk like us.  But recently, I've been thinking a lot about how the "heroes of the faith" often didn't do one magnificent thing.  They walked faithfully and each day their footprints sunk deeper into the sand with the weight of their faith.  Each year, people followed their example and, pretty soon, the single set of footprints became the imprint of a movement...all because they were faithful and kept walking where God led.

Since we have started serving with TUMI this idea has been on my mind.  Much of what we do is missional in a theoretical sense.  We create resources and structures to facilitate the training of urban leaders for church planting movements, but this doesn't mean that we don't see first-hand God moving in amazing ways.  Recently, I was struck by the story of two men, who just by being faithful, have impacted the Kingdom in big ways...and TUMI has had the honor to participate.

Last week Warden Sam Cline came to visit TUMI and speak to World Impact staff about the prison in Hutchinson, Kansas.  It is truly amazing what God is doing there.  Through the simple, Christ-like belief that prisoners deserve dignity Warden Cline is changing prison culture.  The U.S. recidivism rate is over 60%, but because Warden Cline works to provide enrichment programs for his inmates, partners with godly business-owners to provide work for them, and takes every opportunity for Christ to be made known, the recidivism rate at Hutchinson is just over 30%.  Now, wardens all over the country are looking to Sam Cline, as a leader in prison reform.  All because he was faithful to the godly principle that every life is sacred to Christ...even the felon's.

Warden Cline is offering up an entire section of the prison to be used for the new TUMI satellite that will launch soon behind their bars.  Square footage is hard to come by in a prison, but Warden Cline believes strongly that God will change men's hearts and believes in TUMI's vision to train up indigenous leaders for Christ's church.

Warden Sam Cline believes in the vision of TUMI because another Sam was faithful even in less than ideal circumstances in his own life.  Due to a tragic, accidental event that led to the death of his wife, Sam found himself in Ellsworth prison (where Sam Cline was then warden).  Possessing a Master's degree from seminary and a Ph.D. in Agriculture, and a faithful Christian heart, Sam quickly began to use his academic skills and leadership to launch the first TUMI satellite in prison.  His leadership at The Advanced Studies Institute of the Inner Freedom Initiative of Prison Fellowship (in Ellsworth) served as the impetus for Prison Fellowship to begin their partnership with World Impact, through TUMI, and convinced Warden Cline of the importance of the training.

After his release Sam served as a mentor at our TUMI National Hope School of Ministry, and eventually took all his experience back to his home in Jos, Nigeria where he will partner with churches there to supply affordable Christian leadership education.  Sam's faithful footprints are sinking deep and drawing others to the pursuit of Christ, but it all started in prison.

Now, as a result of the partnership with Prison Fellowship, 423 prisoners are being trained to be pastors and Christian leaders, with an exponential growth poised on the horizon.  And, because of Warden Cline's faithfulness, other prisons are looking to walk in step with a man who follows Jesus.

The potential in the prisons leaves me in awe every time I think about it.  Wouldn't it be just like our God if He used a bunch of felons as the birth place of a revival in our country?  Isn't it just like our God to take leaders from gangs and the drug trade out of the temptations of the city, use the secular government to feed and house them, and use the Body of Christ to train them to one day be released back into the communities they had a hand in damaging and transform them for Christ?  Quite a seminary our God has set up for these men and women.

It is completely within the grace of our God to use felons, truly the "least of these" in societies eyes, and two ordinary but faithful Sams to bring spiritual revival to our land.  Let us pray for that, and let us pray that God make us faithful in our own lives as we lead others to walk in step with our Savior. one faithful step at a time.

In the words of Mother Teresa, “We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”  And that is all our Savior asks of us.

I'm Thankful for: Adoption

It's National Adoption Month, and, obviously, our family has a vested interest in adoption.  It's also the month in which people spend a great deal of time making lists of the things they are thankful for.  I normally dislike anything "bandwagony" but seeing as how adoption is something for which I am truly grateful, and it being National Adoption Month and all, I thought it only appropriate to talk about it.

Being a family, you know, the ordinary things like laughing at strange inside jokes, eating dinner together, doing time-outs and bedtime routines, usually eclipses the fact that we are also an adoptive family.  But, that doesn't take away the significance adoption has for our family, or the beauty and challenge that comes with it.  Usually I spend my time laughing at my Little Man's crazy ways or trying not to go crazy from life with a strong-willed three-year-old, but sometimes moments overwhelm me with how grateful I am that God made a plan to bring our family together.  Here are some of the things I'm grateful for:

1. I'm grateful to understand adoption from the perspective of an adoptive parent.  My son is as much my child as a birth child would be, and it helps me fathom how God feels about us and how important it is to have an identity in a heavenly family.
2. I'm grateful that my son is no longer an orphan.  I don't think about this very often, because God has been so merciful to my son and placed him in situations where he was loved and cared for, even before God brought him to us, but he could have been like so many other orphans, who never find their forever-home.
3. I'm grateful that adoption makes me see family in an entirely different way.  To me, family has broadened to include birth families, foster families, and those people who have committed their love to our family and my son in particular.  Sure there are headaches with more family (anyone with a big family can attest to that), but it is also wonderful to open your heart and expand your personal circle to include more lives!
4. I'm grateful that transracial adoption makes me see the world differently.  It makes me experience, even if just a little bit, the prejudice that still exist in the world.  It forces me to think more compassionately, and contemplate what diversity really means and to understand that skin color really does make a difference to how you see the world.
5. I'm grateful that God has given my son so many godly men as role models.  When you are raising a black son you realize, even more, how important this is.  God has placed strong godly men in his life, including men that share his skin color, and that blessing is not lost on me.
6. Mostly, I'm grateful that God designs families...all kinds of families.  They are all beautiful and purposeful.  All families are meant to bear the glory and story of God, I'm just grateful that our family's uniqueness gives us an opportunity (and the responsibility) to more boldly declare it.

In this month, where we remember adoption, as well as what we are thankful for, take a moment and thank God that He doesn't need a nationally dedicated month to be reminded that we, His adopted children, are important.  And, pray for both spiritual and physical orphans to come to know the love of a forever family.

Not About Us

It was hard to leave St. Louis, but one of the hardest things was leaving the people we have ministered to, some of whom we have relationships that go back a decade.  I am truly grateful that God allowed us enough time for so many people to grow to be as part of our family.

But, for anyone whose call is to full-time relational ministry, it can be very easy to slip into thinking that ministry begins and ends in us.  We don't mean to start thinking that we are the center of the universe, but gosh darn it, people don't get saved without us, tasks don't get done, and, well, the earth might stop spinning on its axis if we aren't busy doing what we do.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that when we knew we were leaving St. Louis, some of these thoughts scrolled through my head.  What will all the people we've known and loved do without us?  

I don't discount the magnitude of the relationships God puts in our life, but it's so much healthier for everyone if I can see myself in light of the truth.  God was, is, and always will be bringing about His plans.  I merely get to participate!  People don't need me, they need God, and sometimes God will use me in the process and sometimes He'll use someone else. 

We spent many years sowing seeds in St. Louis.  We saw fruit, but mostly we were behind the plow.  Some of the fruit we saw was a result of missionaries before us doing the same.  Some of the fruit the missionaries who carry on in St. Louis will see is a result of our efforts...and so on.  That's the beauty of God...He sees the whole picture, weaving together His purposes through the Body of Christ.

And, so, all we are responsible for is to be faithful with what lies before us.  Then we will see seasons of harvest, not as our expected rewards, but as a blessing of unexpected grace.  This weekend we felt that blessing.

Every year World Impact puts on a Men's Retreat. TUMI plays an integral part by providing and coordinating worship and teaching.  Andrew has attended the last few years with guys from St. Louis, but this year he attended as working staff.  Even though he was there in a different capacity, he still got to attend with some of the men from St. Louis that we have been working with for years.  One of the men who attended for the first time this year was a neighbor, a good friend, and someone for whom we have been praying for years (this was not his first Men's Retreat invitation!).. 

It is exciting to watch him continue to open up to the things of God, even from a distance, knowing that our dear friend's life is not in our hands but the hands of the God of the Universe, whose plans are always fulfilled. 

Struggling to Survive

Recently we saw "To the Arctic" at the IMAX. It was Judah's first movie theater experience and while he was a little disoriented by the surround sound, he seemed as enthralled with the massive glaciers and arctic wildlife as we were.

The film highlighted the melting of the arctic ice pack due to global warming, and the challenges wildlife face as a result. It particularly focused on polar bear mamas and their cubs. The melting of the ice packs makes it difficult to hunt for food and evade predators. One mama bear had to set off on an eight-day swim to find food and lost her cub in the process. Another mama of twin cubs was constantly hunting to feed them, always on the alert for danger, and even had a run-in with a hungry male polar bear after her cubs.

While listening to Meryl Streep narrate the difficulties mama bears and their cubs face, I thought, the plight of mother and child in a cruel environment is a moving one. If you want to call people to action, you show them a film about a polar bear mama tirelessly looking for food and protecting her cubs at risk of her life. People send money for that kind of thing, they take trips to see for themselves. Surely, we cannot let mother and child suffer!

And, then in my mind, the harsh arctic transformed into a city, the glaciers became city buildings and the polar bears became urban-poor mamas and their children. You don't have to go to the arctic to see mamas live heroic efforts for survival. For many women, every day in the city is a fight to survive. Life, for them, is kind of like floating on an ice pack with your children, with no one but predators around and no resources in sight. You become resourceful, cunning, and tough as nails, or you and your children don't survive. You haven't heard a roar until you see an urban mama protecting her own.

I am in awe of so many urban mamas, who don't know if they will be able to put food on the table for their kids, or protect their children from imminent danger, or ever find a man who won't use and abuse them. And, yet, they still get up every morning and fight.  They are at once so strong and so broken, something that makes them awe-inspiringly beautiful to me.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t make it through the day, and I have a fridge full of food and a great support network.  I don’t know how they do it.

The end of the IMAX film called people to action.  Send money…vote for politicians who care about the environment…live green.  Work in the city is harder and messier than that.  Sometimes things seem hopeless, but God is able to bring hope to the hopeless.  The city needs our resources, our efforts, and most of all, our prayer.

If people can take up the cause of a polar bear, surely we can fight for urban mamas and their kids.  Any little thing can be life-changing, when you are desperate to survive.

Hold Loosely

There has been a lot of loss for our family in the last few months.  We moved from St. Louis, leaving our ministry, our neighbors, our friends, our home.  Before we moved, someone left our gate open and our dog was never to be seen again.  We've felt let down by relationships.  Expectations have been unrealized.  Our health has been sketchy.  We're feeling culture shock as we leave a culture we've been a part of for a decade.  Then we were in a car accident and our van was totaled.

Some of the losses were small, some more significant, but the trend has been a little discouraging.  Andrew and I joked that we could write a bad country song, "We left our home, we miss our friends, our dog is gone, and our van was towed off to the salvage!"

In the past months not everything in our lives has been about loss (primarily, our long awaited ADOPTION!!), but there has been enough of it to make us uncomfortable.  This week, in the wake of the accident, and other life nuisances, I was discouraged by all of the losses and the words "hold loosely" came to my mind. 

We loved our ministry and neighborhood, city, and friends.  We loved the house we lived in, having painted it just so.  We were comfortable with our van.  But, at the end of the day, these are peripheral things.  It's so hard, in a world of materialism, to keep focus on Christ alone.  Sometimes, it takes our lives being shaken up a little to hear the encouragement to "hold loosely" to all that is not Christ.

None of the things that we have lost were bad things.  In fact, many of them are still very dear to our hearts.  But sometimes we can get so settled in what is comfortable that we don't even realize we have a white-knuckled grip on everything but Christ.

It is exactly this lesson--to hold loosely to this world--that allows someone like Horatio Spafford, who lost his children in a shipwreck, to write words like,

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

 

Hold loosely...not an enjoyable lesson, but a necessary one.    It reminds me of another song, which says, "Take this world, but give me Jesus.  This is not where I belong."